Have Faith in Me
by elizabethlauger
Summary: Mister Sunshine Arnold receives some blows to his heart. He turns to the dark side of life, and likes it that way. It's up to Helga to pull him back doing whatever it takes to get him back. What if it was his turn to be saved after being the one to save everyone else. The boy who saved everyone needs to be saved by the least likely person. Arnold x Helga Rt M for later chapters
1. One and Only

_We were older now from the kids we were. Yet I still write in this pink journal with a purple pen every day. Fortunately I'm a little less creepy. Thankfully I have a sense of style. I grew into my looks, but I still didn't give a shit about them. I'm still a hard ass, but I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. I want you to know I sound a lot nicer than I really am, and thankfully no one really knows that._

_I need to help him, but I don't know how. I don't really know what to do, and I don't know if I can. He's not fond of me the way I am him. He probably wouldn't hear what I had to say because it's coming from me. I'm going to have to find a way. I'm going to have to find a way to bring him back to the beautiful angel he really is, instead of the dark demon he thinks he is. He's has a beautiful soul. He just needs to be reminded that it's in him._

_So I'm going to do whatever I have to do to make him see. I've been a hard ass on him for years. I've been pining over him for so many years. We are freshmen in college, and it's about damn time I truly give something to him that he is at least remotely aware of even if he doesn't want it._


	2. This Place About to Blow

College. He didn't think it was so bad. He'd only been there for a couple of months, but he rather enjoyed it so far. He was staying on campus in a single dorm. He was lucky that he had one all to himself. His grandparents were willing to pay a bit extra; his scholarship had paid for everything else. His entire group of friends had been split off a bit. Gerald was there with him. "Bros stick together" is what he had said when they were looking at colleges. He was pleasantly surprised they made it to college still best friends. So many other people he knew had ditched their old ones, and made new ones when they hit high school. Gerald was a man's man on campus. That really wasn't Arnold's thing, but he didn't judge his friend. Gerald had a new girl every week, and played every sport that was offered.

Arnold had grown into his football head more now that he was older. He was tall and not a spindly little man. He had grown into his thin frame, and out came a perfectly sculpted body. Filling out his clothes, and causing girls to drool. It wasn't his thing to take advantage of a girl's heart, or to sleep around. He was a good guy; a perfect replica of a Greek god, but a good guy none-the-less. He had to masturbate often to make sure he resisted the urge to manipulate the girls the ogled him. He was blissfully unaware that a lot of them just wanted to be taken advantage of. Hey, it's his life.

He was putting away his lab report that he had been working on. His cell phone vibrated on the edge of his desk. It fell, but he caught it before it hit the floor. A snazzy move no one had been there to witness. He swiped at the green answer call circle on his phone. "How's it going Short man?" Grandpa's voice came through the phone.  
"It's going pretty good. I'm exhausted, but I know better than having 8 am classes next time." He said back to his Grandfather.  
"Well, we got some news on your parents. The investigators have been able to come in contact with the people your parents were seen with last. I know it's not much, but hey it's something!" He said cheerfully.  
"No it's not much, but Pops you know I'm Mr. Brightside!" Arnold said laughing in the phone.  
"Welp don't let me hold you up from any partying college man!" Phil said laughing.  
"It's five in the afternoon!" Arnold said blushing even though his grandfather couldn't see him.  
"Well Short man have a good night, Pookie isn't feeling well so I have to stop her from trying to escape the boarding house. "Phil said plainly.  
"Sure, bye Grandpa." Arnold said and clicked the end button on the screen.

Pookie had been sick a lot lately. Not a regular sick. She had dementia. There were enough boarders though to keep her entertained for the most part, and she hadn't ever been normal anyways. Arnold pushed the worry from his mind. Gerald wanted him to be DD at a party tonight. He didn't enjoy going very much, but he was Mister Sammy Sunshine so he get ready and hoped for the best

…..

A young woman was sitting on an old throw on the brown grass beside the small lake. She generally referred to it as a pond, but the school could call it whatever the hell they wanted too. She had taken off her black boots, and had her feet curled up under her. It was getting late, and before she started freezing and missed the party tonight she needed to get back to her dorm. She had a private room at the expense of her father. She slid on her boots, and picked up her books, and blanket and started walking. Thankfully she didn't reside to far from the lake. She went there most afternoons to write, to read, to paint, to write music. She was a talented young lady.

She was the story of an ugly duckling grown swan. She was a taller girl, but nowhere near towering. She had quite wearing pigtails a long time ago; instead she had her long blonde hair down her back. It was thick, but in the fall weather it was comfortable. She had cut it all off once, and regretted it since. She had a new nose thanks to her father, and being a punching bag. She also had starting waxing her eyebrows. She had filled out to be a thin, but curvy young woman. Her porcelain skin and the fact that she had a fashion sense made her a looker. No one except for her best friend knew she didn't have any interest in falling in love with these jokers. Every so often she had herself a one night stand, and always got pissed when they didn't get the hint. She was in need of getting flung. Hopefully tonight she found something to turn her head. It was a large campus, she was sure she'd find someone that she hadn't before.

She pulled out her dorm key, and went to get dressed. Her phone buzzed.  
Phoebe: Hey are you ready yet? I need help; you know I'll bring it there.  
Helga: Okay.

Phoebe lived one floor up, and she was there in, oh, thirty seconds. She had two pairs of jeans, a skirt and three tops in her arms. She turned into a little party girl, but she had spent her entire life being good. She deserved it. Plus her grades were better than everyone else's she didn't have anything to lose. "What in the world am I supposed to wear?" she asked feverishly.  
"Hey, slow down, you have been to enough of these by now to know what to wear." Helga said in her brusque manner. She was putting on her neon skinny jeans, and a black crop top. Her best asset was her stomach, and if she wanted to get laid she sure as hell was going to show it.

Phoebe accepted what Helga said, and threw the clothes on Helga's bed. She picked up the micro mini skirt, and topped it with a tiny tank. She had always been thing, but she grew up to be quite busty. Her long black hair was pulled around onto one shoulder, and slid on a pair of Helga's heels. Helga slid on her boots from earlier, and they headed out the door.

They walked to the frat house where the party was at, had drinks thrust into their hands. Helga gulped it down. Phoebe gave her the nod saying she had already found her prey for the night, and Helga went in search for more drinks. She had her back to the kitchen door, and was taking a red cup and filling it halfway with Grey Goose. A pair of hands wrapped themselves around her waist, the smell of beer reeking on the body against her. "Watch it darling or you're not going to be wrapping your hands around anything for a long time." She said calmly with a devilish grin that no one could see.  
"Slow down doll I didn't mean anything by it." He said taking his hands of.  
She knew that voice. She grew up with the voice. She laughed to herself as she turned around. "Hey tall hair boy, how's it been?" She said to him, her desire to punch him had receded.  
"No way! Helga! I'm sorry. I didn't know it was you. You know if I had I wouldn't dare. I've seen your work to many times!" he said excitedly and extremely drunk.  
"You grew up well. I haven't seen you since junior year." He said sloppily. Thinking really hard to make sure that was when he last saw her.  
"No you saw me high school after that. I just took AP classes. I wasn't around you guys. I was too busy. Who's your DD let me take you to them. You're out of it bud." She said. She was still a tough girl, but Arnold was right she was a nice person somewhere inside.  
"He is there. In there. Grey hoodie, red chucks." Gerald said getting worse. She felt incredibly stupid no noticing he had grabbed another cup. She took it from him.  
"Let's go find him shall we." She said remaining calm.  
She led him through the swinging door into the fray of a party. "Just tell me when you see him."  
She saw him before Gerald did. Grey hoodie, and red chucks right across from her. Man alive if he wasn't as beautiful as she remembered. He was even better than that. "Hey Arnold look who found me in the kitchen. I found. Who was there?" Gerald said trying to correct his drunken talk.

There was no hiding now. He had seen her. Well it's time to face the music, and talk to football head. Maybe for once in her life she could chill, thank god she had a drink in her hand.


	3. I Found A Demon in my Safest Haven

In that particular moment I saw who I had least expected to see. She was perhaps the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, but she was also one who knew how to drive me to the brink of insanity with anger. For any guy I knew she could turn their head making them weak to their knees with her beauty. She was amazing to them, but I knew the venom that lies in her. She's not someone I am likely to entangle myself with, so I can easily ignore what she wears, and how well she wears it.

She tormented me for a life time, and the past two years staying marginally far from her kept me from breaking the urge to fight her back. I don't mean to fight her, but I mean to join her game and fight her with her mind games. I always thought that there was good in all people, but not in her, at least not then. I was her favorite punching bag back then; I had no interest in becoming that once more.

She was trudging along half carrying a wasted Gerald. It was impressive that a girl of any stature could support such a big guy. She had never been a weak girl so I should expect nothing less from her. She had grown her hair back out from the time she chopped it all off, and it was slung over her shoulders, a pale blonde looking whiter with Gerald's arm around her shoulder. Gerald was hard to miss from his size, and his loud mouth he developed when he had too much to drink. It's a good thing she didn't give up her love of exercising, and more than likely her joy of boxing. I was hoping that she wasn't still pounding on other people. We were much too old for that, but one never knows.

"Arnold! Hey, Arnold look who found me! It's Helga…G…Pataki," he said exaggerating her name, "She turned out to be a looker."  
I laughed at him and then stopped quickly. I didn't want to see if she if she would still pound on me. "Gerald you might want to think of getting some other girl, she might not go to easy on you." I joked with him avoiding her eyes.

"Hey football head, long time no see huh?" she said laughing a quite yet confident laugh.  
Her voice reminded me of Emma Stone, smoky and smooth. "

"We need to get him home he's not doing so hot. Seems good old Geraldo has had more than enough liquor for one night." She said laughing again. It was a laugh I wasn't used to hearing, but as long as she wasn't hitting me we'd be alright.

"Yeah I do believe that he is going to need a good dose of aspirin and coffee when he wakes up in the am." I said politely. If she was being kosher there was no way I was going to be the one to start something.

"Bananas." She said.  
"What?" I said. What did they have to do with anything?

She smiled, and started gearing Gerald to the door. I took his other side, and we both smiled and gave nods to passing people as we walked to the door. "Hey hold on just a sec, I've got to tell Phoebe that I'm leaving. She's just over there I will be right back." She said.

I was certain that she was going to run off, and I'd be with Gerald alone. It was no biggie, but I appreciate honesty. She dropped his side, and I felt the weight go onto me. She scampered off to her friend. That was a friendship I never understood, but it really wasn't any of my business. I started Gerald forward again. He had gotten quite. He was either going to be sick soon, or he was going to pass out. If he became dead weight I wouldn't be able to handle him. I was going to have to get him to his dorm soon. He was cooperating with me at least on getting there.

There was a quick change in weight. "Hey, it seems like you almost got him to the door. I wasn't ditching you. Pheebs and I have a system, and I like to make sure she makes it back to her dorm from the guy's room." She said briskly.

"Okay. Thanks." I said unsure with that to do with that information.

"Bananas they are a massive helper for that hangover he is going to have in the morning. That's what I was going to say when I realized I needed to talk to Pheebs." She explained.

"Sounds great. I'll have to run out and grab some for him in the morning. He's got a 9 am class." I said pulling Gerald forward. He was still awake, but barely.

We finally got to my car. Thankfully I drove. She held him up while got the back door open. We got him in, and I closed the door. I had inherited my Grandpa's Packard. He broke down and bought a new car, and offered me his. I had done a lot of work to it, but it was worth it.

…..

When Arnold shut the green door to the back seat I stood back slightly awkward. It was a slightly awkward situation for us to speak again for the first time in years. I took initiative in myself, and opened the passenger side door and hopped in his car. A car I had been in before, but belonged to his grandpa at the time. He gave me a slightly surprised look, but said nothing. "I told you we'd do it. He's a lot of guy for one person to drag up dorm steps." I said laughing. I was trying to be chill. I know he had a limited amount of good memories of me. Most of them had to be blocked off by the many awful ones. I was pretty awful to him. I didn't really want to spend this time apologizing though. I would have to sometime, but I still had too much pride, and hadn't drank enough.

He started the car, and pulled off toward Gerald's dorm. "So, how had college treated you?" I said to make polite conversation.

"It's been good. I can't complain. My grandparents have been supportive, and we are close to finding my parents, and I'm not flunking so it's good." He said laughing.

"Well that's excellent news for you guys. " I replied. It was wonderful that his life was going well. He was the only person who I knew that was genuinely good. Genuinely good people rarely get what they want out of life. They rarely get the goods in life, and have a happy ending. I felt happy in that moment that he got what he was getting what he deserved. He was in essence an orphan child his entire life. I had the worst parents that a girl could have, but at least I knew where they were. The not knowing is what kills a person, the endless questions.

"Do you and Gerald share a dorm?" I asked still making polite conversation even though I understood why he wouldn't want to have a conversation with me.

"No, he has a roommate, and I don't. We are in the same building, so I can easily get him up for his class in the AM." He said not taking his off the road, or changing his position on the wheel. He was uncomfortable. He probably assumed I was still a hard ass. I don't blame him for it. I still had a mean streak, but getting away from my parents had helped me shape out a lot. I wasn't a bully, but I sure as hell would stick up for myself. Arnold never really knew me anyways, my outward appearance made it impossible for us to even establish a relationship of friendship. He'd never know how much I loved him, and still do. I assume it is a secret I'd take to my grave, well except for Phoebe's knowledge.

"I don't either. I like my privacy. It helps me think." I replied.

He pulled up alongside the building and cut the engine. He didn't say anything as we got out of the car, and got an officially passed out Gerald out of the car. I pulled Gerald out and Arnold got his other side and we got the big guy out. I bumped the door shut with my hip. "Do you have his key, or are we going to have to rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock for who's going in his pocket?" I said jokingly.

He did a small chuckle at my joke and said "No need he said. I have a spare."

"Great, because I can never remember the rules correctly." I said.

"Scissors cut paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitate lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, rock crushes scissors. I believe that's the way it works." He said with a small chuckle.

"Well thank you for reminding me." I said, giving a slight smile lifting my head up.

We climbed the stairs as though lifting furniture. Football stars aren't light, and he was all muscle. When we got to the door Arnold got out his keys, and while balancing very carefully opened the door. Gerald's roommate wasn't in. It seemed the entire campus was at some party or another. It was easy to tell which bed was his. The entire room was messy, but his side had all of his football stuff, and pictures of his family. Arnold hit the lights, and we carried him to his bed. He kind of flopped down on the bed. He was passed slam out. He didn't stir when he hit the bed. Arnold, the good guy he is, slid off his shoes and put them on the floor next to his bed. We walked to the exit, and I hit the lights going out. "Welp that was an adventure for the night" I said, "I have class in the morning so it's a good thing I was able to get plastered."

"Yeah, well he doesn't do it too often this bad, but every so often he lets really loose." He said calmly.

"It happens. Well I shall be going; I hope to see you around sometime. I promise, I won't pound on you." I said. I laughed making sure to cover my nervousness.

"Sounds nice. Well I'm in the dorm right about him, I'll be sure to take care of him in the morning so you don't have to worry. I'm just going to go to bed. Seems I'll have to party some other night." He said in the nice way to get me to leave.

"See you later football head." I said, chuckling again. I couldn't be upset with his unsocial manner. I deserved more than that, but he was far too kind. After what I did at our homecoming sophomore year he shouldn't have talked to me again. I shuddered that the memory, but there's nothing I can do about the past.

I walked back to my dorm. It wasn't too far of a walk. I stopped by my lake, and sat next to the water. I could still go back to the party, but I wasn't in the mood anymore. I wouldn't be able to put on the charm feeling this way. I had dealt with my demons, but no one knows that. I sat and looked at the water. Watching it reflect in the lights, and move slowly for a long while before going back to my dorm. I set my alarm, and passed out. I was hoping sleep would help wash away the feelings that I felt.


	4. I'm Content With Loneliness

I walked up the flight of stairs to my dorm. After I unlocked my door I plopped down onto the edge of my bed, rumpling up the blue comforter. I bent down and unlaced my Converse and threw the under my bed to lay with the rest of my Chuck collection. It was times like these I was thankful that I didn't have a roommate. It would be all to irritating at moments like these to have to talk to someone when I am trying to gather my thoughts. I pulled my hoodie over my head and threw it into my overflowing laundry basket, making a mental note to do some laundry after class sometime soon. I slid my jeans off to the floor kicking them into the same pile, and pulled on my favorite loose black sweatpants.

I walked over to my desk. My chair had been flipped around facing out. Instead of flipping it back I just straddled the chair, and flipped open the lid to my laptop. I pressed the space bar to bring it out of sleep mode. It was late, but not late enough for anyone to be home, and not late enough to go to sleep without feeling like a total loser. I needed something to knock me out of the slight trance I put myself in. I had just had a night that I was not expecting to have. I planned on hanging out with friends, which I did for a good part of the evening. I hadn't expected the Gerald would have gotten hammered early into the evening. I'm sure that some part of him thought that his passing an extremely important exam with above a 90% was a reason to blow off some steam. I couldn't blame him. He is the study really hard to pass kind of guy. He works really hard, so I'm not the least bit upset with him for his reaction to the evening.

I had planned on a different end to my evening. There was not a part of me that that considered that Helga would be a part of that equation. I had grown up with her making my life as miserable as she possibly could. The two years that I was able to spend away from her helped me get some kind of peace. I decided to flip through Facebook and see if I could see her profile. I didn't know if she had one or not, but most people did. Curiosity got the best of me. I needed to know what this girl was up to. I couldn't see a lot turns out. I couldn't imagine a world where she was private, but apparently she is. There were a couple of pictures, but nothing that seemed pre-college. Her profile picture was of her and Phoebe. Someone had taken a picture of them laughing at the lake on campus. They had a little picnic it appeared. It was a disturbing image to see her genuinely smiling. That was probably because I was so used to seeing her scowl at all other people. Some part of my innate kindness that all people are genuinely good leveled out as I grew up. I was having a hard time finding a place in my to forgive her for what's she's done to me even if she was kind to me tonight.

She had times when we were young where she would be nice to me. It never lasted more than a day, and she went back to her same old self. There was a straw that broke the camel's back and I couldn't give into her pleasantries anymore. She always reverted to who she was without fail. I fiddled around on Facebook for a while, then got on Tumblr and scrolled for a while before turning in to bed. I would have to wake up earlier to get Gerald up for his class. It was not going to be an exciting morning, but he'd do the same for me. I fell on my bed letting my thoughts take me over. I looked back over the evening, over the news from the people in South America, and the thought of getting my parents back. I was told to keep clam and patient that it would take a while, but I have been yearning for my parents return since I was a small child. I loved my grandparents and living in the boarding house, but there is nothing like the desire to have your family together. Not even running into Helga could ruin that news for me. We were closer, and it was extremely exciting. No one I knew growing up understood. Everyone had their families, and even though I wasn't an orphan it didn't stop me from feeling like one.

Thoughts of my parents return, and dreaming about what would happen when they came back home put me to sleep that night. My alarm went off before I was ready, but it always did. Being tired had become a permanent place in my life. I was up earlier than normal though, before the majority of people in my building. I groaned as I threw off my comforter, and grabbed my shower caddy to go clean up. The hot water woke my body up from my night. I needed coffee, but I didn't have time to stop and get some. I hit the snooze even though I knew it would cost me. Today it would cost me my wake up jolt.

I walked back to my dorm, and was getting dressed for class. I put on dark wash jeans, and red t-shirt. I pulled my Blue hoodie over top, and was lacing my red Chucks back on when three knocks came at my door. It was not a pesky raven; it was another surprise for me. There stood Helga with a bag, and two coffees in her hands. She had her hair pulled up in a loose pony-tail. Her bangs were swept over to the side. She had on clothes that stated she was clearly not going to class this morning. She was wearing black sweatpants that weren't the least bit baggy, and a plain white t-shirt that was form fitting. She had on black Converse to match, and had on the bare minimum of make-up.

"Hey" she sighed out.  
"Hey?" I started, "What are you doing here?" I asked trying to have it not come out to harsh. I was on a tight schedule.  
"Here take a coffee; I made them with the Keurig in my dorm. The other is for Geraldo when he comes around." She said.  
I stood stock still out of the surprise of her kindness. She was never kind for any old reason, she usually wanted something. I was waiting to see what it was. Apparently she took my silence as a reason to continue talking. "Last night I realized that you probably didn't have any bananas. I keep them on hand for girly reasons. So I brought them over. You said you were right above him so I figured that I could help you out. I also brought over a bottle of ginger ale. Ginger works miracles for hangovers and the drink helps settle the stomach." She said all of this fairly quickly. If I didn't know her better I'd say she was nervous. She seemed a little off, but then again I wasn't used to her kindness. I decided to go along with it. If there was something she wanted, I'd just tell her no later on. Gerald was going to be a pain to get up.

"Sure, that sounds great. Let me grab my bag, and we can head up to his room." I said.

She nodded in response. I grabbed my bag with my stuff for class, grabbed my keys, wallet, and phone and shut the door locking it behind me. We walked up the stairs in silence. It was a comfortable silence at least.

…..

When we got to Gerald's room Arnold unlocked the door. Before he opened it he looked at me and said, "He has a roommate. Let me make sure it's descent before you come in."

That was nice of him at least. I know it's going to be hard for him to trust me in the slightest. He was acting the way he should, and I was doing my best to swallow my nervousness, and not turn it back around and be a bitch to him. He went in, and after a few moments he opened the door all the way. "Alex is already gone." He said motioning for me to come in.

The room looked pretty much the same as it did last night. It looked worse in the light of day. It was a guy's room so I couldn't expect any better. I had to resist the urge to clean through the room. I have an OCD way of cleaning. I had enough to deal with here without cleaning someone else's dorm. Gerald was the exact way we left him. I tossed all over in my sleep, but apparently he sleeps like a rock in his sleep, or at least an alcohol induced sleep. Arnold went over to him, and started punching him in the shoulder, and shouted his name. Boys, they live a lifetime and still don't learn the easiest steps to waking someone up from a deep sleep. After a minute or so he looked at me and asked, "Do you have any ideas?"

"I do, but it's not the most ethical." I replied.  
"We're on a schedule so it doesn't matter." He said.

I handed him the coffees and he took a drink out of one. I had a small victory clap to myself for that, and put the bag down. I walked over to Gerald on the bed, did a quick glance at Arnold, and leaned over Gerald and blew lightly in his ear. It was a trick I learned to get my one night stands out of my dorm when I was finished with them. I hated having them, but I had pushed myself to get over Arnold, and so far not one of my one night stands was worth getting over him.

Gerald's eyes popped wide open. I pulled back and he sat up quickly. "Helga, is that you?!" He exclaimed. He pulled his blanket up still trying to gather himself.  
I chuckled at his behavior. "Yes it's me. Don't worry I'm just here to help you." I said grinning.

As the words came out of my mouth he seemed to notice how awful he felt. "Yes that would be all the fun you had last night coming to haunt you." I said in response to him.

Arnold stood drinking his coffee, and watched me work. Getting over hangovers became a specialty of mine. I pulled out a little plastic cup from the bag, and poured in some ginger ale. I put two aspirin in so they could dissolve. It's hard enough to swallow a pill when you just want to throw up. I handed him the drink. He stared at me blankly. "No it's not poison. It's going to settle your stomach, and the medicine in it is for the headache. Quickly as you can please." I said.

He obeyed nicely. I was afraid I would have to talk him into it, but thankfully he obliged. I pulled out a banana from my bag, and peeled it for him. He finished the ale as I handed him the banana. "Now I know you don't want to eat that much, but this is going to put back in your body what you lost from the alcohol." He took it and started eating, and I refilled his ale cup.

"When you're done with that I have some coffee for you. I have it in one of my travel cups so it'll still be hot for you. Arnold says you've got a class this morning. I got you a little bag of aspirin to put in your bag. It's enough to get you through the day. There is a paper in the bag with my dorm number on it if you need some more drop by I've got plenty. I'm going to leave you another banana for when you're feeling a little better." I said all of this slowly. I know a bad hangover and I sympathized with him.

"Thanks Helga." He mumbled to me eating on the banana.  
"No problem." I replied.

I walked over to Arnold who had stood still the entire time working something out that I couldn't see. I looked up at his face and said, "I've got to run. If you need any more help let me know."

"Sure. Thanks Helga." He said.  
"Don't worry about it." I said smiling and turned to leave.

When I was outside the room I let out a long needed sigh. I felt myself returning back to normal. Nervous energy is not something that I want pent up inside of me. It's to exasperating. I walked back to my dorm, and started on a paper that would be due soon. I was going to do my best to drown out my feelings of hope, and concentrate on school like a good girl should.


	5. The Winds of Change are Blowing

Gerald and I walked to class silently. He was not feeling up for the conversation that I knew he was planning on having with me when he felt better. The conversation that asks what the hell Helga was doing with me this morning, and why she wanted to help. I'm honestly glad he couldn't ask because I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to tell him. Whatever she wanted I am sure I will find out soon enough. She was normally more forward than this, but I had her travel mugs, I knew I'd have to see her again.

I went through my two classes that day focusing on my work. I had a scholarship to keep, so my grades had to stay up. Luckily I am a driven student, at least driven enough to keep up with the massive amount of work I am given. I want to go to school to be a therapist. Something I had known my entire life I would be good at. People were always coming to me to fix their problems. It seemed like a natural path for me. I have to study hard, but it's worth it. I went back to my dorm that afternoon to drop of my bag. Gerald had one more class, then as he put, he was going to drop onto his bed of feathers and kill anyone who disturbs him.

I was going to have to face Helga at some point. Either I took them to her, or she was going to come get them herself to get whatever it is she wants. It was a little after I normally ate, but I didn't really want to walk to the cafeteria so I grabbed a bag of chips from my snack bin and dug in. I decided I'd get some work done before I went to see Miss Pataki.

…

Seriously, I didn't know what was wrong with me. I spent my entire day pondering what the hell I was thinking. I spend too much time in my head, and Pheebs had class all day so I couldn't vent to her. I need someone around to stop me from making such bad decisions. Arnold would never suspect that I was a bit into him, or even completely far past into him that I couldn't even see the line anymore. I'm sure he thinks I am trying to get something from him. That's who I was then. I am aware of how much of a bitch I was, but I'd like to earn my self-worth.

I battled myself for the majority of the day trying to decide if I was truly an idiot, or if redeeming me was even worth it. I debated that if I kept on a polite path that I could change his opinion about me or if I kept at it that I would just become a pushover. I'm never one sided about anything, and it's one of my biggest flaws. I've spent too much of my life running away from myself, everyone else, and the boy I love. I worked on my essays for as long as my attention span could hold. Classwork never held my interest. I never had to try to succeed at it. My parents never noticed that because Olga did it first. I have grown to be quiet proud of my accomplishments. At the same I am still disappointed in myself. Like I said, I am at constant battle with myself.

I lay down on my bed for a while. I threw on my favorite off the shoulder Victoria secret sweaters and lay on top of the comforter. I fell asleep for a while with my thoughts taking me over. I woke to a tap on the door, and the sound of feet shuffling in the hall. My eyes popped open as though I had merely been lying there pondering my thoughts. I hopped up and went to the door pulling my shirt back down, throwing my hair over my shoulder as it had fallen from the pony tail it was in earlier.

I opened the door to my favorite football headed guy. Actually I think he is the only one I know, but still there he was. "Hey, I thought you might want these back." He said holding my travel cups in his hands.  
"Thanks. I do like my coffee in the mornings." I said with a failed attempt at humor.  
"So, please don't take this as me being rude, but you've never just been one to do something out of kindness. So if there is something you want could you just go ahead and get it over with." He said this all very quickly as though it had been building on his mind all day.

"I hate to disappoint but there isn't anything I'm after. I was just trying to help is all." I said lightly.  
"Are you sure? Because we've been down this road before, and I 'd like to be upfront about it." He said his eyes trying to read into me for something that wasn't there.

Well that wasn't totally true. I was after something, but nothing that he truly had to do. I was looking for the opportunity to start over in a manner of speaking. At least with him I wanted to start over. The rest of the people I harmed in the past can get over themselves. I wasn't going to apologize to them, and if they came looking for one I'd tell them they could find it in hell. Arnold was different. I spent my entire life loving him, and never showing him the kindness he deserved.

"Okay, you want to know what I want. I would like for you to know that there isn't anything I want. I caused you a lot of pain in our past, and it's only fair that help payback for some damage." I said not looking directly at him. I didn't want to gauge his reaction.

"Well thanks. I've got to run, but I'll see you around sometime." He said with a grin. He turned on his heel and left.

There he went. In essence I asked for forgiveness and his positive self-showed through letting me see that he was willing to let that happen. I breathed a sigh of release. I'm sure you're wondering what I did to him all those years ago to push him to a level that rivals hate. Sadly I can't even sugarcoat it to make me sounds like I had a good reason for what I did. All I can say is that when you grow up hopelessly obsessed in love with someone, and your family life is hell you don't get through it unscathed mentally. When Miriam started popping pills with her alcoholic beverages, and Bob started beating the death out of me I started to come loose at the seams.

Homecoming is a wonderful time in a high school student's life. For underclassmen it is the dance that equals prom. It's a time where girls buy beautiful dresses. Guys get excited looking for the most beautiful girl to take with them. This is before I really blossomed into my looks. I was selfish, self-pitying, and mentally undone. I was doing my best to ask Arnold to the dance, but it wasn't worth it. He had grown into his looks, and everyone knew that he was a dream date. He was sexy as hell, and still a gentleman. The chances of me going to homecoming with him were the same as a cold day in hell. He asked little miss perfect who had finally come around on the idea that he was worthy of being liked liked. I knew what he was worth a long time ago so I had to resist the urge to punch her in the face when she finally realized how amazing he really is.

Now I ruined his night. I was awful. Lila had made her own damn dress. It was stunning. She took a picture of it, and showed it to everyone. They had reservations at the same restaurant that Arnold and I went to when he thought I was Cecil. Everyone knew what was going on with everyone else. It wasn't hard to learn their plans.

Okay, Lila had a food allergy. It's an odd food allergy, but an allergy none the less. She is very allergic to cayenne pepper; something that I enjoy quite a bit. Well I am sad to say that I went to that restaurant with my date of the night. Brainy took me to homecoming because I knew he'd go wherever I wanted to go. He was obsessively in love with me the same way I was with Arnold. I wore a beautiful purple dress. It was a corset top and fanned out at the bottom. It was quite stunning. I had my hair pulled up in a classy bun, and had the pepper in my clutch. I am aware that giving someone something they are allergic to is illegal. I am also aware that I truly despised her existence.

As was done in a classic movie, I went to the kitchen. Pretending to have gotten lost, and then curious about the kitchen. I tipped it onto the plate that Lila ordered with their table number next to it. I walked out of the kitchen feeling successful, and quite full of myself. All I had to do was sit back and watch the magic happen. It was not as much fun as I hoped when the waiter brought out their plates. I watched Lila take a bite of her food, and saw an immediate reaction. Arnold threw himself at her, the ambulance was called, and chaos ensued.

What I saw made me feel guilty. What I saw honestly hurt me. Arnold was extremely concerned about her. It was this moment that I realized that he was hopelessly in love with her the way I was with him and the way Brainy was with me. It was a vicious cycle and I had done something awful to the person he loved. He would have never known it was me. I could have avoided him swearing me off. Something in me broke that night watching him love someone else. I knew he had liked her, but love is so much different. Something in me changed and I lost the person I was before. I believe that night I became mentally undone, and there was nothing that could save me.

I told him what I did. When Lila was on the ambulance on the way to the hospital and while he was waiting on his Grandpa to come take him to be by his side I told him it was me. I didn't look him in the face; I didn't tell him why I did it. I just said it was me. I looked up at his face when I was finished. I will never forget the look on his face. It told me how wrong I was, how awful I was, he might as well hit me looking at me that way. I imagine I would have hit someone if they hurt him. So that's what I did.

I hurt me. I mentally abused myself for a few months after that. Lila survived. He never told her it was me. He didn't look at me, and he had nothing to do with me. The abuse that did to me and what I did to me with a knife on my skin made my frail existence fall apart. Those kids at school think I was put in advance classes to explain my absence. That was true; I still finished high school with a 4.5 GPA. I finished high school in Martial Pickens; a mental rehabilitation home. What I like to call a loony bin. It's a place I needed to be, and it's where I was until I came to college. My family relationships were nowhere close to being mended, but my father and I were working on it. I still had to work on myself, but I'm stable enough to know I have to earn his trust back. I had to try to let go somehow, I had to let go of the craziness inside of me.


	6. I Will Try To Fix You

Have you ever been in love with someone even though they didn't love you? I was in love with someone for a fairly long amount of time. Liking them knowing that they didn't like me back. I knew that I would do anything for them to see them happy. I hoped that they would come a day when I could call them mine. I hoped for a day that I could have some kind of happy ending. That day finally came. She liked me back after years of waiting. I had loved her from afar so long that I considered myself to be a wonderful boyfriend. I took care of her, spoiled her, and most importantly truly loved her. I loved her grace, positive nature, her intelligence, and her inward beauty that shone right out through her soul. She was the most amazing girl I had ever known. I never knew anybody that was as amazing as she was.

We had been dating for a few months from the end of the school year, through summer and into the new school year. I was looking intensely looking forward to the homecoming dance that took place two months into the new school year. It was mainly the underclassman dance. We were sophomores and it was going to be an amazing night. Lila was named the Homecoming princess the day before the dance. She was going to get to dance a special dance with the other Homecoming royalty before the Homecoming King and Queen came out. She made her dress with that amazing talent she held in herself. She was stunning in a royal blue gown. Our night was perfect. I paid for the cab, due to her persistence for us not to take a limo. We went to a restaurant that was one of the nicest in the city. That was where all hell broke loose. She was, in essence, poisoned. She was given cayenne pepper that she is extremely allergic too.

I didn't even know what to do. Our night was going so perfect. It was amazing. I had a stomach full of butterflies, and my side hurt from all the laughter. I was having the time of my life, and I was happy. I was a generally happy person, but this is the time where I was truly happy. Adolescence isn't an easy path, and it's so much nicer to share it with someone you care about. I remember that first bite she took of the food on her plate. She coughed and tried some of her ice water to wash it down. Then the gasping started. I kept asking her what was wrong; she waved it off until she could no longer speak. I pulled out my phone and dialed 911. It was an emergency, and they sent an ambulance. I cannot tell you how long it took for them to get there, in my mind it was nowhere near fast enough. The entire restaurant it seemed was there trying to help. There were plenty of gasps and stares aiming our way, and plenty of people trying to help.

When the ambulance got there, I was not allowed to go with her. I wasn't a relative, and we were clearly not married. I called Grandpa to come get me and take to me to be with her. The idea that we were going to the dance was over, and I didn't care in the slightest. All that mattered to me in that moment was that Lila was okay. She was all that was important at that time. I was so focused on her that it took me a moment to notice Helga standing next to me. She was being bashful, and she did that from time to time when she needed something. I had always thought that there was something good in her, but that night I changed my mind completely when she told me she was responsible for Lila getting hurt.

In honestly couldn't believe it at first. She was being sincere, and I didn't understand. Why? Why would anyone do something like that? She never said why. I didn't ask. I walked away from her, and hadn't spoken to her until she came up to me with Gerald. I had for the first time in my life developed hatred. I sincerely loathed her. She had awoken something in me that I didn't know was there. Lila and I didn't last to much longer after she was released from the hospital, and I blamed Helga for that. I couldn't tell her who had done this to her, and the guilt of that ate away at our relationship. I didn't want her to lose that feeling that all people were good. I didn't want her to lose what I lost. I started seeing flaws in all people, even Lila. We fell apart, and I had never forgiven Helga for what she had done to me.

I was thinking about all of this back in my dorm while attempting to write a paper on the cellular activity in the central nervous system. I was going to school for therapy, and I was having trouble with my own thoughts. I scoffed at myself for thinking it. Being a positive person I could find it in my heart to forgive her. I could do that. That was who I am. I am able to forgive people, and trust them to be who they say they are. I knew there wasn't a way for me to get any work done with my mind going ninety miles a minute on a person I hadn't seen in years. I think some part of me had some kind of guilt for treating her the way I did, even though I know she deserved it. I could never understand why someone would do something like that. I'm just not a cold hearted person. It's not in my nature. I knew myself well enough to know what I would do.

I got up and slid on another hoodie of mine. I grabbed my keys, phone, and wallet, and went out the door. I was going to go on a walk to clear my head. Before I knew it I was heading in the direction of Helga's dorm. I figured I'd apologize for my behavior. That way we could start on a clean slate. We could have some even footing, and see where a friendship could take us. I was near her building when I looked over at the lake and saw her blinding blonde hair glimmering in the sun. I went over to where she was. She was sitting on an old burgundy throw, and had her boots off, showing really funky colored socks on her feet. She was writing rapidly in a pink journal similar to the one she had as kid. Her purple pen was flying over the paper she didn't even see me there. I cleared my throat. "Hey" I said.

….

I popped my head up and there stood the angel I had been just writing about. To me he was an angel, other people just knew him as Arnold. I still wrote constantly to get out my feelings. Upon my release from mental rehab they told me to keep it going. It was the best way for me to deal with my feelings. I didn't just write about Arnold anymore. I wrote about anything and everything. It kept me calm and kept me from relapsing to who I was because of my love for a boy who never loved me.

He said, "Hey."  
"Hey. What's up?" I asked keeping a cool voice and calm disposure.  
"Can I join you here? I just want to chat." He said to me. My tender heart was about to explode from my chest, but I nodded a yes.

He sat there beside me and what may have started off as an awkward conversation turned into a relaxed atmosphere. He told me of what he did in high school. That he went to prom senior year stag with Gerald. They had a true friendship as I did with Pheebs. He talked about him getting the Packard. He told me about how he's been tracking his parents, and how close they were. That his grandparents were doing well even though his Grandmother had dementia she was doing well. The boarders were all still there, and even Oscar had a child. He had finally grown up even if it took him almost an entire lifetime.

He talked about his favorite books, which were similar to my own. He loved the classics mainly. He talked of music, and movies, favorite foods. I was getting to know him for the first time in my life. I was getting to know him without spying, and yelling. He had always been such an open book, and I had never asked until now. We sat there for a really long time, laughing and talking. He asked questions about me, but I wasn't ready to tell him I was just let out of the mental institution.

"Hey do you wanna go get something to eat, I'm starved?" he has asked.  
"Of course." I said back. My knees were weak, but I wouldn't show it

I put my throw in my vastly oversized purse, and we went to eat. It seemed that I could not have asked for a more perfect day. I couldn't have asked for anything more that day. This is usually the time something bad happens. It just so happens that I didn't cause this. He had walked me back to my dorm. I had told him about my charcoal drawings. He wanted to see them. He was sitting on the edge of my bed looking at my work. He told me how amazing they were, and that I was incredibly talented. I think I could have cooked an egg on my face with how red I was turning.

His phone rang. He swiped his screen and talked. It sounded like one of the boarders on the other side of the phone. His face that been lit like Christmas had turned grim. He stood up as though preparing himself. "What are you talking about?" he'd said. Someone replied to him, and he fell. He dropped his phone. When he was going to the ground I was there, and caught him before he hurt himself. His phone landed, and whoever was on the other line hung up. He sat up on his hands, his thoughts somewhere far away.

"Hey? What's wrong? What do you need?" I said feverishly.  
"No. Nothing. Parent's died, and …. Grandma too… Grandpa Catatonic." He said so quietly I had to learn forward to hear him. His eyes still somewhere else.

He fell back on the floor and passed out.


	7. Got Me On The Outside Looking In

No, nope. It wasn't close to being true. My head was swimming with my lids still closed. I was only vaguely aware that I was lying on the floor of a dorm that wasn't mine. I was coming back around after hitting the ground. I remember thinking that I hadn't hit the floor as hard as I was supposed to. I still couldn't find the will power to open my eyes. I was gone. I felt like something had lifted out of my body. Something was gone. I was feeling heavy despite the missing feeling. I suppose most people feel as though someone has punched them in the stomach, I felt as though the very air had been taken from my lungs. The air I was meant to inhale was leaking out, and I couldn't gather up the strength to breathe in again.

I knew I had to be dying. I had to. There didn't seem to be a way for me to survive in this world with the news I had received. It seemed I was to life a life without love now. How could I survive without them people who loved me? I didn't know how I was going to live in a place where the only people who ever loved me were no longer there. I wouldn't know how long Grandpa would be catatonic, neither did the doctors. I was meant to do this alone, and after a lifetime of being positive I was at a place where I couldn't find a single glimmer of hope left.

I had spent a life time waiting for my parents. I had always hoped to see them again. I had always wanted them to come home to me to be a family. My grandparents had done the best they could with me. They did the best they could to make me feel loved, and for us to feel like a complete family. We were never alone in that big old boarding house. We had people there all the time, and I loved them more than I could love someone. Nothing ever really covers that need to have your parents there for you, no matter how strong a bond you have with your caretakers.

I was going to have to get up off this floor eventually. My head was laying on something soft. Helga must have slipped a pillow under my head. I couldn't hear her, and that was good. I wasn't in a place to talk to anyone at this particular moment. I couldn't really form coherent thoughts much less have a nice little chat. Not that I wanted a nice little chat. Not that I wanted anything in my life anymore. I have been shaken to my core, and I didn't give a shit anymore. I felt my heart changing inside of me. All the warmth that usually flowed through my veins had disappeared, and I was left with cold. I would freeze this way, but maybe it was better. It would, could be better for me to just not care about… emotions, feelings, attachment. I could live that way, after these shots to my chest there would be no way I could live anymore. I felt the way I lived my life leaving me empty. I was going to live my life selfish for once. I had changed who I was in a matter of minutes lying on the floor of a girl's room who knew hatred all too well. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes.

…..

I was sitting on my bed sitting cross legged watching him over the top of a book I was pretending to read while he lay in my floor. I had slid one of my pillows under his head for his comfort. I placed his phone beside him after checking to make sure the screen hadn't cracked in its fall. He had a case, but I was thinking about getting the King to send me a stronger case for his phone. As I was contemplating checking on him, his eyes popped open. He took less than a moment to gather him and asses his surroundings. He sat up. If his head was spinning he didn't show it. He was perfectly calm for just having had such an episode. I didn't know what had happened, but the light that had lived in his eyes forever had gone. To me he appeared an empty shell of the man who had been there minutes ago.

"Well, that was a nasty spell." He said.  
"Well yes it was." I said approaching the conversation cautiously. When someone changes the look in their eyes good things aren't generally found to follow. I've seen it to many times in the mental house. He got up in a fluid motion, picking up his phone in the same motion.

"Well. I'm fine now." He said, meaning more than his head. I'm too familiar to fall for his ruse.  
"Excellent." I said chucking.  
He walked over toward me and put his hands on either side of my legs on the bed; causing me to forget how to inhale momentarily. At the time I wondered what the hell he was thinking. I couldn't for the life of me understand the change. Then there was the other part of me that was a lioness, and that had desired him to be this close to me for years. I'd had wild dreams about a moment like this.

His face was directly in front of mine, close enough I could see the space between his eye lashes. His eyes bore into mine, as I took in a shaking breath. "So, I'm starved," he started, "grab some dinner with me." He stated. He straightened up, and held out a hand for me to grab. I stood grabbing my essentials and out the door we went.

Dinner with the boy I've loved forever was an absolute dream; even though he was being quite distant now than earlier in our day. I went back to my room that night on the verge of having a heart attack. I then forced myself to stop fan-girling long enough to analyze his behavior. From the portion of the day he had been relaxed, open, happy, honest, and lovely. The second portion of the day he had been closed off, seductive, and a vision of my wildest fantasies. Deep Breathing goes here. He had changed in an instant. If I knew what had gone on, on the other side of that phone. I didn't know what to do to help him, but I'm sure I would know soon enough. I was certain to see him again,

….

Back in my room with a bottle of bourbon, and a pack of Marlboros I was trashing a fairy large amount of his things. I was drowning pieces of myself that wanted to resurface after being alone. Thankfully there are plenty of ABC places near campus that don't give two shits about ID. I'd have to learn how to drown the old me out. I'd learn to give in to myself. I was trashing things that reminded me of who I was. I was to forget the old me, and learn to love the new me. The bourbon saw to that.

Maybe I'd go visit a friend if this drink could force the sadness out of me. Maybe I'd find something I needed. Who knows, I sure as hell couldn't think anymore.


	8. The Stars Shine Bright For You

Bourbon became that best friend I was searching for. It became a gateway into what I was looking for. In a couple of weeks' time I was a whisper in the wind of a person that I used to be. I couldn't tell you very much about the man I was before. I had become a person who was very much lost. I didn't know my face in the mirror anymore. It could have been a few weeks or maybe I'm hitting a few months. Now just because I was letting lose my personality, doesn't mean I wasn't still going to class. They were becoming a blur, but I was still passing well. I am intellectually gifted, so it's not like I have to work too hard.

I found solace in music I had never given a thought to before. It started with something innocent like Blink-182, I ended up with A Day To Remember, and Pink Floyd in my mind. I'm eclectic and I like it. I delved into books about suicide, drugs, and sex. I found a home in sadness; it made it easier to swallow the bottles of liquor, and to rationalize cigarettes. Actually I think it was more than sadness. I think it was more like the ability to hate, and the ability to be hated. I don't think that until this point that I have actually been hated. I have lived a life being a guy that everyone liked. It seemed that I was going out of my way to change that. To be honest that is exactly what I was doing. I was changing who I was, and I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.

This made me more attractive to the girls who had daddy issues, and to the girls who thought they could change the bad boy in me; the bad boy that was there that I finally let breathe the fresh air. He kept up with school, he didn't talk too much, he was more recluse. He was still friends with Gerald, but it seemed that he was still friends with me because he knew I was going through something, and that's what bros do. I was being a man that had never voluntarily slept around with anything that walked, that changes when you let Jack Daniel's make your decisions. Well I'd like to say that, but it isn't true. I make my own decisions, and Jack helps them along. Jim Beam and Jack help me swallow any guilt that might remain after kicking her out of my dorm immediately after the frivolities are over with. It started with a girl I met on that evening I left looking for someone that I didn't know. She was a regular Jane Doe college girl. She was sitting on a bench waiting for someone I didn't know. It was pretty late. I hopped around the side, and sat beside her saying charming things that I couldn't place where they came from in my system.

It worked. She went walking with me. She had long red hair, and wore black skinny jeans, and a white top. She was pretty, and maybe if I hadn't lost my mind I would have asked her out on a date. Sadly I was crazy, and she wasn't going to be able to fix me. They always say the first time is the hardest. Well sure if you still feel your conscious. I drowned it, so I was able to throw her out fairly easily. Even with her tears streaming down her face from confusion and anger. The fact that I can't remember her name, and never took down her number probably says a lot.

I started working out more frequently. I was in love with the adrenaline rush. It's hard to say that's a bad thing. It made picking up girls a lot easier. There were plenty of girls on a campus that large, and the fact that I was able to pretty much take my pick was lovely. They filled a hunger in me I didn't know I had. A hunger that the good boy in my covered up.

I did continue to see Helga even though we didn't talk very much. Pleasantries were our main conversation. I did feel that I needed to remain near her. I didn't pursue her as an object to satisfy my hunger. In all honesty I think it was because I had some kind of respect for her. In a way I am drawn to her. I feel a kindred spirit in her. She doesn't talk unnecessarily. She doesn't question where my life is going, and she does push me for information. She is comfortable with what's there, and that makes it easy, worth it, and desired.

We mostly spent our time in her dorm. She has an electric fireplace in her dorm, and we will sit there silently. She will draw, or write. I read or watch something on the TV she has set up in there. Her parent's really decked out her dorm, or she did it herself. Eventually I might ask her, but today is not that day. Today I was sitting watching the fake flames in the fire while holding a book I had intentions reading. We usually did our homework together, again silently. We had already finished, and she was drawing something I could see on a sketch pad with some willow charcoal. She was pleasant to watch when she was focused. Her hand would flow across the paper when she was writing. When she was drawing she took her time her hand seemingly as light as a feather. The look in her eyes was one I had never seen in anyone else I ever knew especially in myself.

She more focused than usual. She had forgoed the pleasantries today and went to nodding and a simple yep when I told her I was making coffee, and asked if she wanted a cup. She had long sense gave up on dressing for company when I came by. She had since started wearing sweat pants, and tanks in her room. They were all Victoria Secret pants, and she always had on colorful socks. Her hair was usually pulled into a low pony tail and threw over her shoulder, and she usually had on a very minimum amount of make-up. I like being around her because she was real. That was a hard trait to come by anymore. She didn't mind my drinking, and didn't complain about my smoking as long as I didn't make a mess, and opened the window. She might be a nice girl now, but she was still particular.

Between not giving a damn, and drinking myself to pieces, I needed company that didn't force to me to try to be someone else.

…..

I am a masochist I know it. I am madly in love with this guy, and I let him in here allowing himself to hurt himself. I don't know what went on, on the other end of that telephone, but I sure as hell would like to know. He's done a 180 in his personality. So I decided to help him the best way I can. From experience forcing someone to do what you think is best backfires. It is way easier to push back when someone doesn't want help.

When he started showing up at my dorm wanting to hang out I had to come up with a plan of action. It was obvious to me where he was off, but to someone else he just seemed like an ass hat. Sadly I know what it's like to be the ass hat. He's a work in progress, and I knew that t he just needed someone to be there for him in a way I didn't have. In a way I didn't have until I had trained professionals working on me. Not that I am 100% better, but I am at least well enough to know a basket case when I see one.

I can understand why. I can understand how it feels to feel like you have no one else in the world. Geraldo knows something is up, and he came by asking. I told him to be patient whatever happened would not fix quickly. He said Arnold was there for him in a time in his life where he had no one else, and that he would stick by, and wait it out. If I knew him better these days I would have given him a hug, Pheebs was like that for me. She was the only one who knew where I had been, and lied her ass off for me. She was honestly the best person I had ever known. I had never meant to fall apart just like he didn't. The hinges of our brains come undone when we think we can place an issue away, and our system defaults to another program.

He came over with his liquor and cigs, and made himself at home. He would stay for hours. He would do his assignments here, and eat here. Seems the only time he wasn't here was when he would go find his next aggression session. Girls on campus were in love with him. Happy when he came calling. They thought they could fix the bad boy in him. They didn't know that that isn't what needs fixing. Not really. He was beautiful, charming, and could make a girls knees weak just by looking at them. They opened their doors, and he then went in or took them back to his room where there was not a roommate. He's sleep in his room, and fuck in his room, but not much else.

He was running from something in there. What he was avoiding I wouldn't know. I never went there. I had no reason, he came to see me. If I went there I would be intruding on what he was pushing away. I was certain that I could help him, so I made a plan that wasn't really a plan more of an accommodation. I let him have his way most of the time, and let him breathe away from his demons. Eventually he would face them once he thought he could outrun them.

I was drawing most of the time, or I was writing. Today I was drawing. I always had my work pulled up so it couldn't be seen by prying eyes. I usually drew him, not that he would think anything about it in the state he is in. For my personal crazies, I like to keep it to myself, as I did when I was just a girl. I was drawing him as he was now; I was drawing over his eyes putting in the agony that only showed when he stared at the fake flames in my fire.

Oh the irony, the fake flames. Those flames that could symbolize so much, and nothing at all at the same time. He only looked this way when he was off in his mind, and when he did that I drew. I kept those copies near and dear to me because the meant he wasn't as far gone as he thought that he was. He was more human in those moments than in all the times I'd ever seen him. He does kind things still, he drinks my coffee, but he always makes my cup first. I pick up the food, but he takes it out, and lets me have mine first. I'll randomly find cash in my room, and I think it's a very no subtle way for reimbursement. It's not a lot, but it tells me that the nice boy is there.

He needs someone, and that's what I'm here for. I am not a person with a personality to give up. If it's a fight he's looking for he'll get one. He stayed for a while longer, then he got up and left nodding at me as he went. I'd go to class tomorrow hearing about the latest girl on his list. I'd manage to not find myself jealous because I did the same thing. I'd file it away in my big book of Arnold, and keep pushing on to find out how to help him next.


	9. I'd Give You My World

I'm not going to tell you that I am the same person now that I was then, and I'm not going to tell you that I'm all that different. I will tell you that I was not a bad man, boy, guy growing into a man, or person. It depends on your views of what it takes to be a person. It depends on your views of what it means to be a man. I'm not a poor boy. I'm not really Ivan the Terrible. I wasn't being anything other than myself after a certain point. I've lost thing that I couldn't replace, and that I didn't want to get over. I was refusing to deal with the situations that were at hand. I found comfort in the anger of the hand that life had dealt me. I cannot find comfort in the demons in my mind. I cannot find peace in my body. Grandpa in his catatonic state had now been placed in a medical coma. I'm losing the last person on earth, and can't even find a sanctuary. How am I supposed to handle this? I had no idea what to do to heal me.

Nothing, nothing is what I answered myself. So nothing is what I did. I didn't even try. I didn't even put any effort at healing, at moving on, or getting over myself. I accepted this way of life. I had to do nothing of consequence to stay sedated. Bourbon, and sex, and more bourbon and sex kept me "well". It took time for me to realize what kept me somewhat on level ground. It took quite some time for me to see it. The days we spent in comfortable silence. The days she let me in, and asked nothing of me. I didn't know it was keeping me whole. It wasn't until she started having days that I couldn't see her until late, until I had already chosen my woman of the night, and would rather loathe myself than go visit. She had texted me and told me that she couldn't meet. I should have been fine with it, but I had gotten so selfish. I had gotten so consumed with this schedule that I was pissed off when she turned me down. I had hastily texted back asking what the hell was so important that we couldn't meet. I was rude, but I didn't give a damn.

Therapy, what the hell did she need therapy for. She wouldn't say, and I didn't ask. My temper had been getting the better of me. I would smart off, and curse at her. I wasn't the gentlemen I knew that I was supposed to be. It's another moment for me to care that I chose to be selfish instead. It was another moment that my heart chose to become darker. I didn't even take the time to consider what she needed it for, or why I needed the time with her. We weren't anything more than friends. We were at most friends, even though our conversations were pretty limited. I didn't even know what she was drawing in that sketchbook every night. All the real information that I knew I gathered that evening before my life went to hell.

Being alone isn't what I needed. I at least saw in some part of me that being alone was going to tear me apart. I craved the silence and warmth of her room. I craved it even more as the Holidays were arriving. I wasn't handling the silence. I was in my room with a slowly emptying bottle in my hands and a pair of Beats on my ears. No sounds could penetrate my ears but the music that poured in. I was sitting there trying to block out pieces of me that were trying to bleed through.

…..

I felt guilt every time I told him I was at therapy. I wasn't lying. I had to go. I figured out that I needed to go when I started crying hysterically every time he'd leave the room. I knew he was going through something, but what I couldn't tell. I was being overly emotional and I couldn't control myself. I called up Dr. Bliss who stayed with me though youth, and into the hospital, and told me when I got out that I could always come back if I needed. I thought since I was healed I wouldn't need the help anymore, but turns out I was wrong. I still harbored intense feelings for someone who never knew. I still felt them after all this time, and I was unable to keep them in check with this new Arnold that has evolved.

He needed me I gathered that from the anger that seemed to explode from him when I told him I had to go to therapy. He said nothing, but his attitude had said it all. I couldn't be there for him like he needed this way. I could be emotionally unstable if he was as well. One of us had to have our heads on straight, so I had to do this even if it meant seeing him less. Dr. Bliss was still supportive. She understood how I felt, and understood that this was just something that I had to do. Together we had concluded that I was going to have to find out what happened to him, and what had made him act out. What had happened on the other end of that phone call that day. She told me that if I was certain that I wanted to be there for him that I was going to have to be patient. It was going to take a while.

I was at a session I was on my way home trying to come up with a way to make him talk. I had turned the heat on in my car, and was thawing myself out before driving home. I came up with a plan. If he found out he'd hate me, but it was the only way I was going to get to the bottom of what was going on in his mind. I put my car in drive, and headed for the boarding house. I had been there many times in my youth, and usually without anyone knowing that I was there. I drove through familiar streets until I arrived at the boarding house. It wasn't kept up as usual, but I attributed that to the age of his grandparents.

I parked alongside the street, and walked the steps to the door. I knocked loudly on the green door. I heard shuffling on the other side, but it took a good few minutes before someone got to the door. It opened slightly, and I saw the tall Asian man that lived in the house. "Can I help you?" he said.

"I was wondering if I could come in and talk to Arnold's grandparents please. It is extremely important." I said trying to keep my voice level, and polite.

He opened the door all the way. He stood looking as normal as ever, but the sight behind him was disheartening. The outward appearance on the home was nothing to the inside of what I could see. It was filthy and cluttered. Things that belonged to different boarders where spread throughout the house. The things that had made it a warm, and welcoming sanctuary were gone. It seemed that everything that held Phil and Gertie's presence had been removed.

"You must not know then." He said hanging his head. "Gertie passed on after the news of her son and wife's death. Phil is in a coma at the hospital, he's not looking very good."

Well that cleared up everything I needed to know in one fell swoop. He had gotten the call, and the person didn't even care enough about him to stay on the line, or come out and tell him in person. His parent's death would have been enough, but the later was enough to knock him over. This news enveloped me in sadness, but I pushed it down to focus on the present. I suddenly grew ferocious at the state of the boarding house, and the way the boarders where treating the situation. I felt a fire in me that I hadn't dealt with in a long while. "Excuse me, but if that is the case, then shouldn't you maybe treat this place a little better than what you're doing. Don't you think telling Arnold in person would have been the way to treat the situation? Hey, maybe even giving a damn about how he is feeling since if god forbid Phil passes it will be Arnold that inherits the place that that you rest your head. Maybe you should get your head out of your ass and deal with the situation instead of bickering and being petty!" I spit at him using venom I had built up.

I stormed off the stoop fuming leaving a speechless man behind me. I got in my car with the feeling of fire burning inside of me. I had been questioning myself a lot whether it was worth all the things I was going through with Arnold. I questioned if it was worth it to my own sanity to put up with him this way. Clearly I was right not to give up. It seemed that no one else had given a damn about how he was dealing with this. He's in college, how could he possibly deal with this situation on his own? It was almost the holiday season, and Arnold didn't have his family to share it with, no wonder he was getting worse.

I hope Mr. Hyun listened to me. If something happens to Phil, Arnold will take over that home, and in Arnold's current state, I don't know how he would handle that. I drove back to the campus with enough fire in me to burn the place down. I know I am not at my best when I am emotional, but I have always liked myself when I get into an emotional state. I can appreciate myself in an emotional state, and it's been a long while since I've been this pissed. My parents had to come to terms with themselves when I was put in the hospital. They had to deal with me the way I was. Things are by no means perfect, but they are better than they were. Miriam is in AA, but she slips far too often.

I was going to do something that boy. I would do something that could at least show him that he is cared about in some way without being over the top. There had to be something I could do. There could be something for the holidays that I could do, maybe? I didn't know at the time, I was far to heated. I didn't go straight to my dorm when I parked in my usual space. I walked straight to his. I pounded the concrete. My heels clacked down hard, and I stayed warm due to my racing heart.

I saw Gerald walking opening his door, and nodded to him as I headed up the staircase. I found myself face to face with his door and pounded on it. An idea was alive in me.


	10. Where My Demons Hide

What you didn't know is that while I was driving back to the campus I stopped by two stores. I could tell that Arnold couldn't hear me. These days he had headphones in his ears drowning out the sounds of reality. I understood that. I've been there before. It's hard to accept the things we want to forget, and he had more than enough cause at this point to try and drown out life. At least now I understood what was going on in his life to make him act this way. I knocked once more for good measure. Well he wasn't going to get off easy. I had a plan and a locked door never stopped me before.

Thankfully I had learned enough in my life to know how to pick a simple lock on a college dorm room. It's not like they were honestly that difficult, and it's not like he was going to call the police if I walked in. How could he? I had learned to pick at lock at such a young age. It was long ago that the memory was buried deep for years. I just remember being around five years old, two years after I had actually met Arnold, and walked to preschool alone that rainy morning. I was walking home from school, something that had become a natural occurrence for me. I walked the city, and people didn't take the time to notice the little girl walking alone. It was a cold winter. I found my way home most days only to find that Miriam wasn't home. She didn't leave a note, and she didn't leave a door unlocked.

I was five years old, but thankfully I had some deductive reasoning in me somewhere. I went around to the back of our house. Since I wasn't going to spend God knows how long outside in the snow, I was going to pick a lock like I had seen on one of the shows Bob watched when I was a small child. It took some time to figure it out. It was much harder than it looked, and I didn't know the specifics. Thankfully I had always been a quick learner, or I would have been out there forever. I would estimate that it took me close to an hour, and I remember having a cold for a few days. Thankfully I had a bobby pin on my pink bow so I could work my way inside. Thankfully I made a way inside, and thankfully I kept that skill over a lifetime, having to let myself into a home I was most unwelcome.

I pulled my pocket knife out of my pocket, and use the extensions to let myself into his room. He was still unaware of my presence. They make those headphones so nothing distracts you; they damn well do their job. I considered for a moment to disrupt him. I considered bothering him, and making him talk to me. When he originally passed out I never heard what he had whispered. I couldn't have known. Now seeing him I wanted to hug him and let him know that everything would be okay. This is not the time, and not the way to do it. It was going to take more than that to fix him, and I was going to have to be patient. The course of action I went there with was to give him a "gift" and I was going to have him open it and spend some time together. It's not like he cared that his room was a disaster, and it's not like I cared about anything as long as I was around him.

I took the bag and placed it on the ground about a foot away from the chair that he was currently residing. He was bent over writing with such ferocity I couldn't disturb him. It seems that the almost empty liquor bottle wasn't affecting his ability to write. It made me feel melancholy to watch. I took one last look at the poor soul and backed out. I shut his door behind me. I leaned back against the door and slid my body down until I was on the floor. My emotions were a bit up in the air and I was having a hard time keeping them in check. There wasn't anyone around so I let myself have a few gasps of air, and let silent tears fall down my cheeks.

…

Vibrations went through the floor as though a door closed. It was probably someone down the hall. I had been sitting there for quite some time and needed something in my stomach. Hunger pains were generally ignored, but it had been a while. I took off the headphones and spun my chair around. My eyes catch the bright green bag sitting on the floor almost at my feet. I had no memory of it, and my room appeared to be undisturbed. I rolled the chair forward enough to put myself close to the bag that had tissue paper on top, and a card. The exterior of the white envelope just said _To Arnold _so it didn't tell me who it was from. I hadn't received a gift since my Birthday, from my grandparents. The thought of that was enough to send a cold feeling through my body to try and cover the pain.

I thought about kicking it under my bed, and ignoring it so I wouldn't have to deal with any feelings it tried to bring on. I pulled open the envelope to see a plain white card with elegant cursive writing on it.

_Hey Football head, I want to apologize for being gone so often. I know you don't understand but therapy is just something that I have to do. I know you've been going through some tough stuff lately, and I'm not going to pry. I just want you to know that if you need me I will be here. I got you a gift as a reminder of a best of times and worst of times. The gift, the contents, helped me when I was in a rough patch, and I'm passing on the idea to you. I figured you that you could maybe benefit from it. If you don't if you don't like it my feelings will remain unscathed. The trauma you are dealing with won't be the end of you, and I'll be here when you're ready to pick up the pieces, or to sit in front of my fire again._

_Love, Helga_

I put down the card beside me carefully not wanting to get any ashes on it from the close by ash tray. I pulled out the tissue of the vibrant bag. I pull out a large box first. It was a large case of Monster Energy drinks. They were always my favorite. I was a little stunned that she even recalled that detail from what seemed so long ago. After placing it on the floor next to the bag I found two DVDs in the bottom of the bag, both surprising. _Pride and Prejudice _a movie that I remember liking, a book that I had read and wasn't ashamed of liking before my change. A movie I had never owned, but now was in my hands. I had always loved the story, or did before. I felt a swelling of emotions that I quickly swallowed. I looked at the other one, or what turned out to be a combo pack, The Millennium Series. I had like the version of _The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo_ that came out here in the States. I vaguely remember her telling me that I would love the Swedish ones, even if I had to read them.

It was a nice gift. Emotionally I didn't know what I was supposed to do with this. I had drowned my emotions down. Right now they were threatening me. They were coming up, and they were going to force me to make a rash decision. A large array of curse words were flowing through my mind, and transferring to my mouth. I popped the Pride and Prejudice into my laptop to prevent me from leaving my room and going somewhere I'd regret. I lay in bed and watched a movie I remember once loving. Drinking though three monsters giving the Jamaican Rum a rest. I watched through the movie, and found my heart racing, and swallowing down my feelings again.

Rash decision making seemed to be what I was good at these days. I grabbed a clean hoodie and threw it on. I grabbed my essentials, and left. I pounded the pavement on the familiar path. It was late, well extremely late. It was later than what is deemed acceptable to be out even in college. I had passed a point of giving a damn somewhere. I made my way to her room. Adrenaline was pounding through my veins. Pounding to know what the hell was going on in my mind. The pounding was telling me that I needed to feel something, and being there was the only place I even had a semblance of it anymore. I found that my mind was telling me that I needed to feel something. I needed anything at this point, no matter what it was.

I let myself into her room. I'd had a key for I don't know how long. I had been sedated my liquor for so long I couldn't tell. It was dark. The light from the hallway showed her silhouette in bed. She was laying there with a comforter pulled around her. Her hair glowing was in the light gracefully lying around her. I could see her shoulder since she was lying on her side. Suddenly I found myself concerned about her getting cold. I was finding myself worried about her and the adrenaline diminishing at the sight of her.

That was odd. It wasn't odd for the old me, but who I became. I was selfish. I was needy, and I didn't give two shits about anyone else. I didn't call girls the next day. I didn't even take the time to learn their names. To make me worse I didn't even care if they finished when we were in bed. My selfish needs always come first. I didn't let them stay. I didn't get to know them.

There I was and I didn't want to wake her. I looked at her room as my eyes adjusted to the dark with the light that was coming in through the hallway. Her room was clean. She had some art supplies out that hadn't been put away. She had her infamous sketchbook out. It seems that she had been working before she had become overcome with the need for sleep. I was chilly, her fire was off, and I shivered beneath my sweater. I walked toward the sketch book. I was quiet enough not to disturb her. I was curious if they could give me a hint to why she went to see a therapist in the first place. I picked it up without making a sound, and found myself face to face with myself.

Well not really face to face. She hadn't drawn me. She drew a picture of the scene that I assume was the scene she saw when she left the gift. She had an amazing mind. She had drawn the scene completely accurate. The details of my room were all there. I had once been so clean, but not now. She drew the unkempt bed; the messes of liquor bottles surround my desk, my pile of dirty clothes, and my basket of clean ones, my collection of converse, and my overflowing ashtray. She showed my cluttered room of school work, and more or less decay of a person. The version of me she drew was accurate, Slumped position over a desk, headphones over the ears, and a sense of loss. She had amazing talent. I wondered if she even knew that. I flipped through the rest of the pictures. I found more pictures of me, actually a lot of pictures of me. All of them showed me as I refused to see me. They all showed that pain beneath my eyes.

I didn't know who she did it. I didn't want to know how just yet. The carnal energy that had come with me here was gone, and I wasn't feeling selfish at this particular moment. I found I was worried about her being cold again. I walked over to her and pulled that purple comforter up to her shoulder. She took in a deep breath snuggling down into her bed again whispering out my name. I didn't honestly believe that she was awake. She was still asleep, and I was confused. Momentarily wondering why I was still in her room at this point. What my point was. I found myself sliding out of my shoes, and pulling of my hoodie. Thankfully I hadn't changed from my sweats on the way over here. I didn't have a shirt on but I was comfortable in my skin.

This idea could backfire, but my confidence and what I had seen made me sure I wouldn't. I shut her door and waiting until my eyes adjusted to the dark once more. I walked over to her again more carefully than before. I pulled up the side of the comforter and climbed in her bed behind her. I wrapped my arms around her and pulled as close to her as possible. I was waiting for her to wake up, and to panic at the sudden person in her bed, but that moment never came. She seemed content with it, so I went with it. I breathed in her scent, and settled in for the best night's sleep I was ever going to have. If she'd let me I was willing to lay here for all time. For this is the first time since I thought I was certain to die, that I was feeling something and it wasn't trying to kill me.


End file.
